I read something horrible on MSN today. It was some bitch asking stupid questions to this 'professional' advise-giver, Mama Gena. What follows is the email I sent to Mama.
I recently read some advice you gave to a woman who was a complete jerk. It was this woman here:
"I am a 31-year-old female in need of your help. I've been dating Dennis exclusively for about 18 months now, and the "M" word has come up (which, by the way, is not the problem). I must admit, he is quite the opposite of what I've always gone for. Dennis is 34 and currently an exterminator, he lives in an attic apartment on the bad side of town and drives a beat up 17-year-old car. He seems to be perfectly content with his way of living. He does not seize opportunities to better his life and is the worst with keeping appointments and promises. What I like about him is he's nice and caring, a good cook, loyal, social, can be romantic and he's a good conversationalist. My dislikes are that he's indecisive, not established, short, bald and round, lacks drive and has low expectations in life. I know in my heart that I do love him, however, I don't know if it's enough to sustain that "happy ever after" that I someday hope to experience. My concerns are (realizing that looks aren't everything) would I not be a good woman if I couldn't look beyond my partner's looks or truly listen to him when I know he's just talking to be talking? I often wonder Dennis is really capable of raising a family and being an adequate provider. I'm striving to be unselfish and do the right thing, but I feel so confused... Please help."
Though you probably remember it, here's how you replied:
"Oh my, oh my, come rest thy weary head on Mama's knee and allow her to spin you a little yarn. We have to clear that sweet little head of yours and set you to rights about who and what a man is, so you can make a great decision. Did you ever hear the story about Beauty and the Beast? Belle, a lovely young woman, met this hairy fat beast with really bad table manners. He was gruff on the outside, but he had a pure heart. Belle fell in love with this beast. And it was through her love and training that he turned into a prince. See, guys on their own recognizance won't necessarily aim very high. A beer and a channel-changer is about enough excitement for them. But a man with a woman by his side, a woman who wants things from him, a woman who sees his potential and is unafraid of asking the best of him, oh, my darling, that man has a shot at becoming a hero. Dennis is your friend; he is attentive to you and your desires, right? That's a great start. Now it's time for you to ask him for everything you want: Where you want to live, what career you want to see him in, what kind of life you want to create together. He has the potential to take care of you in any style you desire, just point him in the right direction and enjoy the unfolding adventure of turning your beast into your prince!
If you want some inspiration from your predecessors, check out how Nancy Reagan inspired Ronald. Or how Annette Bening inspires Warren Beatty. Or Goldie Hawn with Kurt Russell. Join the ranks of the brilliant man-trainers of the world: Women who use men to fulfill their dreams and desires!"
That woman sickened me. But I had a hope that your reply would make it all better. I thought maybe you had some sense, considering you've actually got a job that pays you to help these jerks with their stupid problems. Your reply was, unfortunately, just puke-flavored icing on the cake made of puke. How could you possibly take yourself seriously after a suggestion like that? "He has the potential to take care of you in any style you desire..."? Are you SERIOUS?? What happened to women's liberation? Anything he can do I can do better, right? Why don't you tell her to go off and be the bread-winner herself and stop thinking he should take care of her. Those days are long gone. Not to mention that if it was a man writing this very same email, you would not have said that. You would have skinned him alive. Try some role-reversal next time to be sure and have an unbiased retort.
Here's what you should have said:
This man is wasting his time with you. Why has he spent 18 months with such a superficial turd? Why is he staying with a woman who's unhappy with him? Why is having a 17-year-old car something bad? Are you saying that just because he's not making payments on some shitty, gas-guzzling SUV and in horrible credit card debt that you're better than him? I think not, Miss Asshole. I think he's better than you, and obviously gets more enjoyment out of life because you're too busy whining about unimportant things.
Oh no, he's an EXTERMINATOR? How un-glamorous! You must be horribly embarrassed when you introduce him at cocktail parties. What are you complaining about, anyway? Can he not pay the bills? Does he borrow money from you to pay for his crap apartment? Does he steal it? Do YOU have to take care of HIM? Does he have a drug-habit you support? What? No? So you mean your only REAL complaint is that he's short, bald, and fat? Well now, I understand completely! You betrayed yourself with that statement, and it's all clear now. If he said that about you, a rabid gang of feminists would lynch him! But you can say that all you want, you're an Invincible Woman, after all. And me, being the dumbass woman reporter I am, I'll support it. It's okay to be open with your feelings. It's okay to say he's not quite attractive. All your little bitch friends will clap you on the back for being so open. But the moment he says your breasts sag let's kill him.
Hypocritical cunt! Get over yourself! Break up with him now so he has a chance to find REAL love."
You didn't say that though, did you? Instead you spat out some meaningless bullshit about TRAINING him. Nancy Reagan! What fucking relevance does she have? LIKE Reagan wasn't a fucking intelligent guy and an economist before her. I'm sure he would have been shit without her, right? Same with Kurt Russell. He didn't get into acting at all before Goldie Hawn, right? WRONG. Your examples are ridiculous. Laughable. And just like that bitch, you betrayed yourself with this: "Women who use men to fulfill their dreams and desires!" Exactly right. You're a USER. You ride men to the top and then you discard them.
Just reading your reply back now makes the bile rise in my throat. You're deplorable. You sicken me. You make me wish I had a cock so I could anally rape you as I garrote you with fiber wire until you die, and then fuck your dead skull and shoot cum in your dead eye-sockets. You're completely useless to the world, and you're just encouraging stupid, asshole soccer moms to continue their tradition of being stupid assholes. You're not empowering women, you're making them unbearable jerks, just like you.
Fuck you, you dumb fucking slut. You're everything that's wrong with the world. You're Satan. I hope you at least suck cocks so someone can get some enjoyment out of your whore mouth.
Hating Your Guts
PS - Can I have that bitch's email so I can tell her off, too? Haha, probably not."
I encourage you all to write to her and tell her that she's a horrible, horrible person. Of course none of you will. You never do. No one backs me up. I doubt any of you would bother to piss on me if I was on fire. Ha.
Here's her email, anyway. email@example.com